How to Get Past “I Don’t Know” When Talking to Teenagers

You ask a calm, open-ended question. Your teenager stares at you and says, “I don’t know.”

It feels dismissive. It feels like avoidance. But most of the time, it isn’t.

Why “I Don’t Know” Isn’t What It Sounds Like

When teenagers say “I don’t know,” they’re rarely being defiant. More often, it means:

• the question feels too big
• they haven’t processed their thoughts yet
• they fear saying the wrong thing
• they feel put on the spot

Their brain is still developing the ability to reflect in real time. Silence or shutdown is often the result.

Why Open-Ended Questions Often Backfire

Questions like:

• “Why don’t you care about school?”
• “What’s going on with you?”
• “What do you want to do about this?”

require emotional clarity that many teens simply don’t have on demand.

When the brain feels overloaded, “I don’t know” becomes the safest answer.

What to Do Instead: Reduce the Cognitive Load

The goal isn’t to eliminate questions — it’s to make them easier to answer.

Try **bounded questions** instead:

• “Is this more frustrating or more boring?”
• “Would you say this is hard or just annoying?”
• “Is the problem the work itself or the pressure around it?”

These questions give the brain a starting point.

Offer Choices, Not Demands

Choice-based questions lower defenses:

• “Do you want to talk now or later?”
• “Would it help more to vent or to problem-solve?”
• “Should we focus on one subject or the whole week?”

Choice restores a sense of control — which increases cooperation.

Normalize Not Knowing

Sometimes the most helpful response is:

“That’s okay. You don’t have to know right now.”

This removes pressure and keeps the conversation door open.

When Real Answers Usually Come

Many parents notice that real answers show up:

• later that day
• during a car ride
• while doing something side-by-side

Processing takes time. Silence isn’t failure.

Where to Go Next

• How to Talk to Your Gamer About School Without a Fight
• Why Punishment Doesn’t Work With Gamer Teens
• Parent Guide

“I don’t know” is not the end of the conversation. It’s usually the beginning — just not on your timeline.